9 lucky things you need to do when celebrating Chinese New Year

The Chinese Year of the Ox bodes well for those looking for love and fortune, especially when following these traditional rituals.

You’ve been walking on the surface of the earth while wearing the same pair of boots all year long. According to Chinese astrology, it’s time to take them off and maybe take a long, cold shower.

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Instead of jumping when the clocks strike 12 in hopes of adding inches to your height, try masturbating.

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Are you desperately looking for hard-to-find round fruits with only hours left until midnight? Other great substitutes include tapioca pearls, Styrofoam balls and bovine testicles.

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Firecrackers are the leading cause of injuries and amputations of the arms and hands during Chinese New Year’s Eve. Leave the dangerous stunts to the dumbass adults.


Setting the volume intensity of your radio receivers and television sets at full blast makes you look like a wimpy, pathetic loser who couldn’t afford to set up your own fireworks display in your backyard.

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On the other hand, repeatedly hitting your car horn at the stroke of midnight is okay, as it efficiently delivers the message that you’re compensating for a small penis by owning a gas-guzzling sport utility vehicle.


Locking yourself in the basement hours before midnight significantly minimizes chances of your skull getting hit by stray bullets.

Starting the year with a tabula rasa ensures a path that will lead to enlightenment for the next 365 days. Get off the grid, sell your car, and burn your house down.

A time-tested tradition that feng shui practitioners recommend is to write the names of everyone who has wronged you as a reminder that the world is a cruel place filled with all kinds of horrible creatures. ♦